Without getting into the exact definition of what hipster is, and assuming that pretty much anyone between the ages of 18-40 living in Chicago and Brooklyn is a hipster, I bring to you seven specific terrible hipster fashion observations I’ve made after living in Chicago for seven years and Brooklyn this week.
Please understand, also, that based on these very liberal perimeters I am a Chicago hipster through and through. I love us hipsters, however fashionably misguided.
1. Hipster Boys are Generally the Same Everywhere, except for
You will never see a respectable Chicago hipster in short plaid shorts. Or, god forbid, SHORT SHORTS. I don’t have the stomach to post a picture of the short short clad hipster men rolling around Williamsburg. It’s not that hot, y’all. I can see your balls.
b. Newsboy Pants
It’s like male Brooklyn hipsters decided skinny girl jeans were cool around their ankles, but their junk needed A LOT more room. These pants are sometimes jean, sometimes like sweatpants, sometimes (god help us) PLAID, but always ugly. They are belted high. No one in Chicago will ever wear these, thank you very much.
2. While Female Chicago Hipsters Try to Look Attractive, Female Brooklyn Hipsters Try to Look as Unattractive as Possible.
Every girl in Brooklyn looks like this. Or, more accurately, this, plus 20-60 pounds. These twig girls don’t look good in this. I weigh 134 pounds at 5′ 6 1/2″ and I wouldn’t look good in this.
Hipsters in Chicago love high waisted skirts and vintage dresses. We like being cute. Hipsters in Brooklyn love looking like they are wearing underwear and their fat father’s dirty t-shirts.
Brooklyn Hipsters: If you flip it and reverse it, and put this big on the bottom and the tiny on the top, it works MUCH BETTER! Every girl in Chicago looks like this. Because it’s cute.
3. Hipsters in Brooklyn are VERY worried about ankle safety.
I’ve seen these in Chicago worn by fancy hipsters, yes. In Brooklyn EVERY hipster wears these.
I don’t think I could wear anything indicating my feet need a collar. Because my feet don’t need a collar.
Ignore the diaper shorts for now. ::shudder:: Just… ignore this girl totally. We’ll come back to her. Often. Somebody explain to me how these sandals are cute. They cut your legs off in the WORST place, making you look short. If it’s cold enough that you want your ankles covered, wear boots. Or socks! If it’s hot enough that you need your entire food exposed, you don’t…
Never mind. Just. Forget it. I’m chalking this one up to woman can’t be explained and moving on.
4. Female Brooklyn Hipsters LOVE Airing Out Their Junk.
a. The Harem Pant
So you look the same coming and going! These, along with the ankle collar sandals, are in Chicago but worn by fancy hipsters and fancy people. Which, almost makes it worse.
Everyone here wears these! Fancy rich people, hipsters, and tourists. I’ve seen more harem pants this week in NYC than in the entirety of the rest of life.
b. The Harem Short
(Also See Above Ankle Collar Picture)
I didn’t even know these existed before coming to Brooklyn. I have one statement: IF IT MAKES THE 80 POUND MODEL LOOK LIKE SHE’S WEARING A DIAPER, JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL DO FOR YOU! Again, have never seen these in Chicago. And believe me, I would have noticed.
c. The Granny Harem Pant
Because harem pants aren’t big enough! These are everywhere in Brooklyn.
Imagine this pant as a skirt. Cute, right? Still a little heavy, but wearable. But this is not a skirt. This is pants. This. Is pants. Only in Brooklyn. And on Disney’s Aladdin.
d. The Dress Harem Pant
How can you wear sweat pants on a date or in the office? Call them DRESS HAREM PANTS. Again, all over NYC. Fancy hipsters, bum hipsters, fancy NYC ladies.
See that look on her face? That is the same look I have on my face looking at this picture! Camaraderie.
e. The Military Style Harem Pant
Because your hips can never get enough room. .. ? What?! You look like Napoleon. Or a German WWI soldier. In a bad way. Again, never in Chicago. Unless we are participating in some kind of battle reenactment.
5. Chicago Hipsters Love Rompers! Not So Much in Brooklyn.
I’m not big into rompers but they are on every hipster in Chicago. Maybe Brooklyn already went through their romper stage and every hipster here is over them, but I haven’t seen a single romper around these parts.
To this I’m going to have to say point to Chicago. If I was forced by gunpoint to wear a romper or harem pants I would chose the romper. Please don’t tell anyone I wouldn’t choose death.
6. Hipsters Psychotically Love Fedora Style Hats in Brooklyn.
Every hipster in Brooklyn owns this hat. You can see Ed Westwick in the top picture wearing one, and Diaper Harem Pant with Ankle Collar Sandal’s girl has one on, too.
I have so many other beefs with Brooklyn hipsters that I’m going to let this one slide. They are fine, as far as hats go, and I can see Chicago hipsters embracing this hat, too.
7. Brooklyn Hipsters Love Bras/Boobs
Maybe it’s just because it’s super hot here now, but I’ve seen so many bras this week! Very loose tank tops worn over short shorts or leggings and a bra is real big in Brooklyn. Call it my Midwestern sensibilities, but I’m positive tank tops in your size work just the same as really big tank tops.
Chicago hipsters show their bras off, too. But usually it’s a shoulder strap here, a back strap there, never full on cup showing in the armhole of your tank top. Chicago hipsters might run into their mothers, or bosses. Or, neighbors. Or brothers. Or an old college professor. A good Midwesterner doesn’t want strangers seeing their bra! It’s inappropriate!
The major difference here is simple: Chicago hipsters want to be cute. We are freaking cutesy, many times to a fault. Like, how are you going to explain that hamster tattoo to your grandkids? Where Chicago hipsters over-cute, Brooklyn hipsters under-cute. It’s like everyone in Brooklyn wears costumes for my amusement. And they are in a costume contest to see who can look the worst. And they are all winning.
I could, and probably will, write about how cute everyone is here, too. This is a summary of the worst Brooklyn hipsters have to offer. There is a lot of it. And I’m enjoying every minute of it.