Velma gets a bad rap.

Velma Attacked by Elephants

She is the bitchy one. The princess. She is anorexic and bulimic at the same time because she is too vain for only one eating disorder.

Velma on the Toilet

She is the hot one, and no one likes the hot one.

Velma turned 7 this weekend. Which means I’m coming up to my 7th year in Chicago.

I transferred to Columbia College here in Chicago in 2003 after one year at Adrian College, a tiny liberal arts school in south east Michigan. I liked it there but spent the whole year planning my escape.  I spent the summer between schools at home with a healthy case of social anxiety disorder and a cheating boyfriend. Luckily for me fleeing from the cheating boyfriend overwhelmed my desire to stay in my house and not talk to anyone, so I found an apartment and headed to the big city.

Velma and Edmond

But not before my friend Jeff and I were driving around the unpaved roads of our hometown, Allendale MI, saw a free cats sign, pulled over, and walked into a cat-infested barn.

There were a million six toed cats running around, and tiny Velma sitting in the corner. Jeff spotted her.

“She got stuck in the milk tower for days, that’s why she is so skinny,” the owner informed us. “She was screaming so loud we had to climb up there and get her.”

Clearly cats weren’t a huge priority on this farm, so what I now know as Velma’s sounds-like-a-baby-being-strangled cry saved her life. Spending days at the top of a milk tower as a kitten set her up for her life of self imposed malnutrition.

We moved to Chicago a week later.

Velma, named after the super hot man killer Chicago character Velma Kelly, (clever!) only likes me because I’m much less attractive than she is. I’m her ugly pity friend, which I’m ok with. She is one of those cats that sticks to herself unless you need her. If I’m upset she senses it and is by my side immediately. Every time.

Velma, Pudge, and PT

She’s had quite a few men in her life, and, being the slut she is, has loved the shit out of every one.

I remember thinking, at 19, that I’d have Velma when I started having kids. But now that I know her I know she would never stand for that shit. Babies? She can barely handle Pudge.

Pudge is the opposite of Velma in every way; lovable, big, cuddly, and a big slob. Pudge sleeps on her back with her legs open and, GASP!, eats in front of people.

I love them both. But Velma will always be my first pet on my own. It was me and her, alone in the big city, before anyone else. She is the super hot bitchy model friend I’ll never have in person form.

So, Miss Velma Kelly, happy 7th birthday. I know you are telling people you are only 4, but I know the truth.

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