Last night my friend Jamie hosted a Jersey Shore party. I, along with most of the people at the party, had never seen Jersey Shore. Apparently it is the most amazing show on television and I’ve totally been missing out.

I mean, I know my reality TV and the trashier the better. If I can string together 12 episodes of The Real Housewives of New York I’m happy for… well about 12 hours. What can MTV teach me that Bravo can’t?

1. Muscles are HOTT.

The Situation

I had no idea. I’ve been living my life thinking skinny white boys who don’t even know what a gym is were cute. Clearly, I have been way wrong forever. Pictured above is ‘The Situation’. He has so many muscles that his stomach looks like… well, kind of like 6 cartoon hearts dancing around a hot hole.

2. Boys Should Tan and Wax. A Lot.

Jersey Boys

Again, this is probably the Midwestern thing, but I’ve been dating boys with beards and pasty white skin WHEN I COULD HAVE been dating boys who wax their eyebrows and tan three times a week. Even Vinny is tanner  than any boy I’ve ever talked to and he looks albino compared to the rest of them.

3. I Don’t Know How to Dance.

Here I’ve been bouncing around adorably to cute hipster pop when I could have been rubbing my vag on people and doing back flips to show off my thong, attracting boys left and right!

4. I Get This People of Walmart Reference!

I haven’t seen her fist pump, but I bet her Jersey shore name is “Cindy Lou Who”. New Jersey

5. And This Slaughterhouse 90210 Reference!

“The more stupid one is, the closer one is to reality. The more stupid one is, the clearer one is. Stupidity is brief and artless, while intelligence squirms and hides itself. Intelligence is unprincipled, but stupidity is honest and straightforward.” — Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

6. I Don’t Know How to Dress Myself.

Jersey Girls

I do silly things like wear pants, specifically pants with no holes in them, when I leave the house. I also like to wear shirts with fronts and backs to them. And a bra. And I wear that bra as underwear and not as an accessory.

7. My Shore Nickname? McBoring.

When I go out I grab a couple beers with friends, go home, and in the morning I remember everything that happened. I go to work on time. I don’t bring strangers home, or sit naked in a hot tub with them. I don’t have screaming fights because a boy I’ve known for 3 days is talking to a different girl. I don’t threaten to leave the premises if no one is paying attention to me. I don’t make out with girls. I knit. I knit a lot. And read. It’s almost embarrassing.

So, thank you, Jersey Shore. Watching you is like watching the National Geographic Channel when they profile animals that no one knew existed before being discovered by a special rain forest explorer.

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