I walk around a lot. When I’m not walking around I’m biking around. Both modes of transportation allow me to see things that I wouldn’t normally see, like baby birds learning to fly, and flowers blowing in the breeze, and storefronts that can’t possibly do what they say they are doing. A famous example is the Honey Bear Ham Company on Grand that has boxes stacked in it’s windows, is never open, and never smells like ham. And could their website be any creepier? Drug cover!
Blitz Restaurant & Bar
About a month ago PT and I noticed this gem at the end of Mozart at Armitage. Sure, they hired the worst graphic designer in all of Chicago, but it is always nice to have new restaurants around. Upon googling, all we could find is a notification of business license, food license, and liquor license. No website, no information. Not even a myspace!
I’ve been watching it closely. The inside appears finished; bar stools and tables. There are always 1 or 2 dudes sitting around watching euro-trash music videos on TV.
My theory is that some Czech drug lords decided to set up shop in Logan Square under the cover of their perception of what an American Sports Bar is. They google image searched ‘American sport’, printed off some pictures, taped them together, and with the help of Microsoft Paint worked out a lighting bolt logo and the font used on a 3rd grade boy’s birthday party invitations.
In The Window...
Last week they had a big sign over their doors that said, “Grand Opening: DATE”, like they bought a Grand Opening sign that had a removable slot where you put the date of your grand opening in, but they didn’t, they just left it saying DATE. It is gone now.
Today I noticed that they had new signage taped to the doors. After catching my breath from my sprint down the street to get a closer look, I was not disappointed.
Sure, those darn kids tried to peel the sign down, but you can still read: “Casual Atmosphere, American Food, DJ’s, Big Screen TVs, Lounge, Private Parties.”
Then the pictures of the bar that isn’t opened yet? Separated by their lightning bolt logo.
So, you are European. What do Americans like? Wearing jeans and backwards caps (casual atmosphere- check), American food (check), big TVs (check), and to not hang out with outsiders and minorities (private parties – check). But you are still European so you are going to need DJs and techno party lights (see picture).
Menu
'American' Food
And they had their menu up! So, stick with me here, you are still a European. What do Americans like to eat? Put bacon on everything! And they love bagels, so make a bagel sandwich for sure.
Crab cakes and spaghetti? Those are normal American bar food appetizers, right?
I love the combo platter: wings, skins, rings, tenders, and carrot Stick’s. Make sure Stick is capitalized and ‘s-ed! They really had me sold on that before the carrot Stick’s.
You know what I’m getting at. If this place ever opens I’m holding a huge Sweatshop party there where we will watch sports while having a euro-trash dance party to Kylie. With wings. And carrot Stick’s.
I’ve been searching for a good American food restaurant in Chicago for years. FINALLY!! Will they be serving bacon-wrapped Ecstasy?
Comment by PT — July 29, 2009 @ 4:22 pm
Thank you for this. It makes so much sense now! I have been wondering about this place for quite some time seeing as how I live right down the street. I yelped, googled, and pondered, but now I know. You have motivated me to take a stroll down the block right now and if I am brave enough attempt to enter this Blitz establishment. I will let you know if the bacon-wrapped E is any good.
Comment by Tina — July 30, 2009 @ 8:28 pm
We are all waiting for opening night, Tina! Bacon-wrapped E for everyone!!
Comment by allyson — July 30, 2009 @ 9:45 pm
This is great writing! God job. It is so funny, it doesn’t seem anti immigrant.
Stop in on Thursdays or Fridays. We can act like stereotyped Europeans.. or just chill.
The Bartender, “Panda Princess,” is cool. She will make you feel at home in America.
On August 22, Chicago ARTillery will open a show at Blitz. We just got done bringing you the Milwaukee Avenue ARTs Festival. That is how I met George, the owner. He sponsored the food for one of the Know Art gallery openings and invited us to help him with Art.
But we had nothing to do with the sports photoshopped windows. It says something about Logan Square’s generic image, but nothing about Authentic Logan.
It’s Grass roots baby! One venue at a time, make them real. Make them ours!
We got the walls, you guys need to reform the menu. But at our opening the food was well received. Considering that Paul Kahan’s the Publican catered another one our openings two nights before, the expectations were pretty high.
Go in and demand a two dollar beer; they don’t have one, but they need a one dollar beer too, so start someplace.
Victor M. Montañez
Comment by Victor M. Montañez — August 10, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
I’ve been to this place and it’s awesome. Saturday they had the guys from The Mancow show in and as far as I know they liked it. Are you saying that they are into drugs too? You might have had, no offense, either too much biking or too much walking. By no means I want to argue with you but I know many people like you. You’re hidding behind an email and you’re probably So frustrated with your lack of accomplishment that the only thing left to do is to create fake stories and badmouth other people who achieve something. I truly feel sorry for you but if you don’t change your attitude you’re going to become a loser (if you’re not already). At least i can appreciate the fact that you clearly stated that all the review it’s what you’re delusional mind belives. I met the owner of the restaurant personally and he is an awesome honest hard working guy who risked his life saving to create this place in a neighborhood where everybody adviced him not too. He did it out of passion and because he believes that there’s good everywhere regardless of what most of the people are saying. It’s people like you that the guys who visit this site should be aware of. But I trust they are smart enough to go to this lace and to judge it only after. I trust they’ll go there talk to the owner try the food ( which is great) and STFU people like you. Otherwise I’m glad you posted the review. You know what they say Bad publicity good publicity it’s still publicity.
Comment by DAn — August 10, 2009 @ 6:00 pm
Being funny! Just being funny.
STFU – Stuff The Frog Under. Stop Talking Frump Udder? Oh! Shut The Fuck Up.
Kinda wish I was being called a frump udder.
Comment by allyson — August 12, 2009 @ 7:14 am
For what it’s worth…much as I enjoy the characterizations of the place before it opened, the place itself just doesn’t live up to them.
I’ve been anticipating an opening for months myself [10 years now just a few blocks west]. And finally it happened. It’s actually kind of low key. A few TVs and really not as much emphasis on sports as the window appliques would suggest. The crab cakes and the fried calamari were both great. I hope lots of people give it a try.
Comment by carl — August 19, 2009 @ 9:09 am
MAN! Ok Carl, I’m so on it. I’m back in town now and there is just no excuse for me to not do a follow up!
Thanks for the hot tip on the crab cakes. Though I still stand by the fact that they don’t belong in a sports bar
Comment by allyson — August 19, 2009 @ 9:17 am
With all due respect to Dan, the tc has a point that is being overlooked.
There are a number of businesses that open as fronts for nefarious activities and even some that conduct “regular” business in an effort to better obscure what else may be going on. Purposes ranging from outright fraud to money laundering and even funding terrorism have been found.
This business may well be legitimate, however there are some red flags here that I believe will need to be investigated more closely.
Comment by Gadget — December 29, 2009 @ 10:34 am