I walk around a lot. When I’m not walking around I’m biking around. Both modes of transportation allow me to see things that I wouldn’t normally see, like baby birds learning to fly, and flowers blowing in the breeze, and storefronts that can’t possibly do what they say they are doing. A famous example is the Honey Bear Ham Company on Grand that has boxes stacked in it’s windows, is never open, and never smells like ham. And could their website be any creepier? Drug cover!
Blitz Restaurant & Bar
About a month ago PT and I noticed this gem at the end of Mozart at Armitage. Sure, they hired the worst graphic designer in all of Chicago, but it is always nice to have new restaurants around. Upon googling, all we could find is a notification of business license, food license, and liquor license. No website, no information. Not even a myspace!
I’ve been watching it closely. The inside appears finished; bar stools and tables. There are always 1 or 2 dudes sitting around watching euro-trash music videos on TV.
My theory is that some Czech drug lords decided to set up shop in Logan Square under the cover of their perception of what an American Sports Bar is. They google image searched ‘American sport’, printed off some pictures, taped them together, and with the help of Microsoft Paint worked out a lighting bolt logo and the font used on a 3rd grade boy’s birthday party invitations.
In The Window...
Last week they had a big sign over their doors that said, “Grand Opening: DATE”, like they bought a Grand Opening sign that had a removable slot where you put the date of your grand opening in, but they didn’t, they just left it saying DATE. It is gone now.
Today I noticed that they had new signage taped to the doors. After catching my breath from my sprint down the street to get a closer look, I was not disappointed.
Sure, those darn kids tried to peel the sign down, but you can still read: “Casual Atmosphere, American Food, DJ’s, Big Screen TVs, Lounge, Private Parties.”
Then the pictures of the bar that isn’t opened yet? Separated by their lightning bolt logo.
So, you are European. What do Americans like? Wearing jeans and backwards caps (casual atmosphere- check), American food (check), big TVs (check), and to not hang out with outsiders and minorities (private parties – check). But you are still European so you are going to need DJs and techno party lights (see picture).
And they had their menu up! So, stick with me here, you are still a European. What do Americans like to eat? Put bacon on everything! And they love bagels, so make a bagel sandwich for sure.
Crab cakes and spaghetti? Those are normal American bar food appetizers, right?
I love the combo platter: wings, skins, rings, tenders, and carrot Stick’s. Make sure Stick is capitalized and ‘s-ed! They really had me sold on that before the carrot Stick’s.
You know what I’m getting at. If this place ever opens I’m holding a huge Sweatshop party there where we will watch sports while having a euro-trash dance party to Kylie. With wings. And carrot Stick’s.