It is dangerous to be as erratic as baseball is. One moment you have a 5-0 lead and three outs later your are trailing 6-5. One moment you feel good about the decisions you’ve made in the past few months and one conversation later you are laying in bed on a rainy day questioning everything.
Tuesday at this time I was riding high. The Tigers were coming off a sweep of the Indians, the rest of their May schedule was looking relatively easy; all mediocre teams till the first week of June. I was thinking we could get up a few games on the Royals and hope things fall into place in June. Magglio would be back. Bonderman would be back. Carlos Gullien would be back. Two of three in the Metrodome seemed possible.
Now I’m reading about these games I had to witness over the past three days in bewildered awe.
A) How did I not kill someone?
B) How could I have thought I was watching a good team?
C) Why am I dating a Twins fan?
D) Why do I like this stupid, boring sport?
E) How do you blow a 5-0 lead?
F) How do you give up a walk off grand slam to JOE FUCKING CREDE?
G) How do you not score with two men on and no outs over and over and over again?
Bewildered. Awe.
So of course if I live 7 months of my life on the Detroit Tigers Emotional Roller Coaster how can I expect the rest of my life won’t get pulled along with it? I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. One of these days I’m going to wake up and think, ‘I have no idea what I’m doing with my life,’ and it won’t be immediately followed by me thinking, ‘You are young, it doesn’t matter’. Most of the time I think I know what I’m doing. Today? Not so much. Today I should have a 9-5 with benefits and an actual pay check that is direct deposited into my money market savings account. Today I should not be sitting at home at 2:30 on a Friday afternoon blogging, I should be in an office somewhere in heels doing some bullshit.
Tomorrow, though, I will feel better. The Tigers will win tonight. Jackson is pitching and the As are terrible. They can’t lose 4 in a row, they just aren’t that bad. And I’ve seen bad. It will be sunny tomorrow, which will help. The Modern Wing finally opens and is free through the 22nd so I won’t have to think about how I could have used those $12 towards food/my cell phone bill. That will help, too.
Grilled Cheese, Salad, Lentil Soup
Tomorrow it will be more important to me that I get to eat as well as I do, with all my cooking time. More grilled cheese with fresh bread. More homemade lentil soup. More freshly chopped salads. More homemade pizzas and cookies and crock pot things. More homemade pasta.
But there is a difference between knowing you are going to feel better and actually feeling it. Tomorrow I know I will feel better. Today I’m feeling down in the dumps – stupid for quitting my job, stupid for not valuing money like I should, stupid for not trying harder to make money, stupid for loving things I have no control over. Stupid for being sad. Stupid. In need of cupcake. Stupid. In need of bad romantic comedy on hulu.
